My desires?

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January 2021 is about to end, various stories and events have been recorded. So, I really hope February is better than January. The fact of human nature at this time is no longer able to withstand the effects of the pandemic that is plaguing the world today.

The interesting thing in my opinion at this point that can be shared is with regard to human nature especially about the desires or needs of all of us. In my view, everyone may have similar desires but definitely have different needs. Does that make us normal human beings?

This year, I have turned 38, too many of my desires as a normal human being have not been achieved. While many out there my age, have managed to enjoy their desires in this life. It's a lie if I don't feel sad about my life journey, but I realize that I must learn to sincerely accept the destiny that has been set because I know and understand that this life is not based on desire alone but also involves our needs as normal human beings.

If talking about desire, I believe that all normal human beings want to live luxurious, comfortable and happy. Although the definition of luxury, comfort and happiness in human beings is different, but it is easy to understand. I live in a modest family, my parents are government retirees, although not rich but can always enjoy expensive food like fast food, live comfortably in a semi-D house and be happy even though the problem is always there in daily life.

Ever since high school, I had an unattainable desire, others went to school by motorcycle or taxi, while I only cycled, from form 1 to form 6. I realized that the need then was a vehicle without having to take a look at the type of vehicle which is how it is used, my family may only be able to provide a bike compared to other people’s families are able to provide a motorcycle, yet there are families who are not able to provide anything but are still able to be happy.

When I was at the University, I wanted to have a laptop like other students, but I could only afford to buy used computer equipment at a cost of RM1,000 compared to the price of a laptop which reached thousands of ringgit. The main thing was not on the type of equipment I owned but the equipment I owned was able to help me complete assignments throughout at university. When I finished studying at the University, my father was able to buy me a motorcycle even if it was only a used motorcycle. When I was in school, smartphones were the only luxury devices owned by those who could afford it. Seeing my brother who often changes his mobile phone made me have a desire to own a mobile phone too, only that dream came true when I entered the University. That was because of the need to have a mobile phone at that time.

At the moment, my main desire is to have a job with a monthly income, entering the age of 38, I feel my chances of working in the private or government sector are getting harder. It's not that I never tried but so now it still fails. However, I am aware that the need at this time is to take care of the mother who is getting older even though I am worried about my fate in the future. Understand that my siblings are only two people, the dependence is quite limited at all.

So is my desire to get married, have a wife and children. But I am satisfied that it is not my need at this time, not not trying but not yet able to. I love children, always hope there is an opportunity to play with my own child.

The fact is that maybe right now I'm still confused about what I really want. While what I have now is my real needs. Indeed, Allah SWT gives us everything we need in this temporary life.

Mom is getting older, so am I. Therefore, I always pray that my mother and I are not tested by something that we are not able to face because of our current situation. I am only able to sincerely accept this destiny of self even though the voice of the heart always speaks. Desires or needs will forever not be the same.

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